Recently at the Starbucks closest to our apartment (I specify since I frequent multiple ‘bucks locations and will most likely mention them later on), I made a horrific and disturbing discovery. Weirdly enough, I make most of my disturbing discoveries while at Starbucks. This one was bad. It was worse than my original discovery of the Starbucks murderer. It came in the form of an oversized stroller.
As I am minding my business waiting in line for my latte with my boyfriend, I notice a couple in front of us. Two young, fit parents mulling over the posted calories and deciding what pastries to order. I look around to see if anyone is seeing what I’m seeing. A member of NASA on a space station would notice this couple. They had a stroller the size of a tractor-trailer. It was one of those strollers with the car tire rubber wheels and multiple sitting areas that can only be described as separate rooms. The thing was comparable to our apartment. Unfortunately, the stroller was the least of my worries. Sitting inside the stroller was an adolescent sized child. The kid was huge. He was easily 13 and fully functioning- I made sure before I poked my boyfriend in the ribs. “Hey, look at this,” I whispered. He rightfully sensed something inappropriate about to come out of my mouth and quickly said “shh.”
“Look at the SIZE of that kid in there. I can’t believe that kid is still in a stroller!”
“Shhh, they are right in front of us, they can hear.”
“There is NO WAY they can hear me I am whispering. Will you just look?”
“Yeah, I saw, the kid is big.”
“Too big,” I emphasized.
I thought about this for hours. Maybe even days. After establishing the large child was fully capable of walking and had reached all developmental milestones required for a 13 year old, I felt fully entitled to continue my inner monologue about the insanity. Why would the parents not encourage the child to walk? The kid was barely able to fit in the apartment sized stroller- isn’t that a sign? Is this why people hate Americans? Are we obese because of prolonged stroller use? It got so complicated in my head I forced myself to abandon the topic entirely.
About a week later I was sitting at the same Starbucks. At this juncture you are perfectly within your rights to question my credibility based on clearly-too-much time spent in an overpriced coffee chain. Anyway, the stroller rolls in.
“Oh God,” I think. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this again.
This time I get an even better look at this kid. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Frankly I can’t blame him. If my parents were willing to push me around as an adolescent instead of me walking from museum to museum on my own two legs, damn right I’d take the ride. I can almost sense the kid’s smugness about the whole thing. He knows he is making quite the scene. I immediately texted my boyfriend that there was a second sighting. He was unenthused but threw me a courtesy “Really, wow.”
As the man child was rolled out of the coffee shop, I almost saluted him. Well done, sir. Well done.